Finally got to get the username I wanted so I'm moving on over to www.NurseFiona.livejournal.com so move on over there for further moans, groans and spasmic thoughts

I'm getting very tired of people lecturing me about food and what to eat and when to eat and why am I not eating what I'm not eating.  I have not become weird about food, you are obsessing.  Stop it!!

Your concerned?
Don't be.

xxxx

You can never predict what you would give up for someone, or for some kind of life you think you have a chance at having.  It was harder for us because we didn't know we'd be sacrificing anything, it snuck up on us, or me at least, I didn't realise what I was going to give up by fighting against this change, and I didn't know what I'd give up to be in that circle.  Going to college away from everyone else filled me with nothing but nerve and anxiety thqat I wold be forgotten, those people invading what used to be territory I knew was scary.  And it wasnt until the second year that I looked at myself and said "I'm going to drive my friends away if I don't decide if I'm going to beat them until the end or join them."

It had taken a while for me to get used to the new group of boys we were now hanging out with.  Afraid to leave my comfort zone of movie nights, safe rides home and predictability to embark upon spur of the moment cross country road trips, loud screamo and people you never could quite figure out.  The thing that scared me most was the fact that these people were often to be taken at face value, and were unfortunate enough to make very bad first impressions, they were also very vain, very judgmental and very exclusive.  It was everything Id sought to avoid in a group of 'friends' and finding myself forced into being in their cirlce, in their company was shocking and something I instantly shyed away from.

It started with Immie's new boyfriend.  Finally finding somebody who would replace the strange hold she had on her ex boyfriend Joe (leaving the poor bastard floundering after her at being ditched again by the only girl he would ever love) We all knew who Scott was, lead singer/screamer of 'The Over Dramatics' and reckoned arsehole over an incident involving their past band mate Chris who had left after being taunted and bitched out of the band, who had become friends with Immie because she flirted with him shamelessly (she does tend to spread her 'charm' around) and a boy with many myspace fans of both gender (Boys wanted to be him, girls wanted to be with him)  At first I hated it, I hated the very thought of leaving everything comfortable behind to hear about her gush and coo about her new boyfriend, at first we all thought it may not last, that she could keep both lives seperate but when I was informed by Hollie (my one confidon...but not for very long) that he was actually a really nice guy who hated his reputation blah blah blah, I decided to give him a chance.  He himself was a nice guy, perhaps he was that shovy, pushy vain person he used to be but after a few breakups some harsh bringing down to earth and chronic weed smoking, he'd become a shaky, nervous guy who just wanted people to like him.  Confessing one day to us he said "My friends are arsholes, you don't want to be with friends with them,"  He was right, and to this moment right now he's right about one of them, one which I shal not mention because to be honest he's not important, not part of the story really...yet anyway.

Now Joanna idolised Immie, she wanted to be her, she wanted everything she had and short of wanting Scott she wanted to be there when Immie needed someone to agree with her on everything (something I would not do, afterall what good is a yes friend when your facing a serious decision in life?) somebody she would invite everywhere she went, whenever she went out with Scotts 'cool' friends.  After a couple of trips out, some alienating of both of them from our other friends Joanna would hold parties just for us and them to try and merge the two groups.  We were harder to convince than expected and there was much in fighting, silent fueds and various rounds of bitching once everyone got home and on msn.  The parties would consist of them taking over the room with their ignorant confidence, loud music, cool friends and the bitchy 'girls that would also hang around with them (that were invited purely because Joanna knew that you kept your enemies close, or so she could at least see what threat they posed to her plans of seducing one of the boys)' and then there would be us in the corner, who were too afraid to talk to them, too afriaid to approach the ones who were soo cool and confident and seemed to walk in and decide to own a place.  It was too bolshy, it was too sudden and instead of embracing it we pushed it away, we made life difficult and decided we needed them to give something that they ultimately wouldn't.

Last day at college.
Fashion show rehearsals promised a good two shows later on tonight.
It's hot though, like about 29 degrees C which is hot for the Southeast of England (Gives beady eyes all those people in the hotter places of the world!!)

However, I'm hoping the fact that I have to get the train today and that I'm going to be an hour late isn't going to make this a bad day......hmmm who knows? **shrugs** I also hope that I don't get sweaty as shit sitting on the train, which reminds me, I need to bring a book to read.
I have my ultimate summer tunes on my iPod so I've got good summer feelings all the way down.  I'm off to Thorpe Park tomorrow with my two for one vouchers and my bestest friends and some new ones also.  Except I refuse to be going on that crazy Saw one, I can miss that out completely.  They always like to make the scary ones mazes and we all know what happens when I have to go in a maze....MASS PANIC!  The one thing I cannot deal with is not having any sense of direction and the threat of getting stuck forever and dying alone...over reaction?  No bloody way!

Maan. Im hot.

Went to Tiget, Tiger last night with Chiara, Hollie, Immie and Jo.  Discovered a love for vodka and red bull, sambouka and flavoured vodka shots and of course my all time faves Malibu and Disarono and coke.  At the end of the night....a little near trashed!  However my being trashed is nowhere near as entertaining as Knells being trashed.  This only made me love her more and if I don't know her for the rest of my life, my life is obviously not going to be worth living.  I'm sad she is all the way in Southampton.

Good night.

However rushing off to catch a bus and leaving Jo behind, unbeknownst to us, on her own, was no so good.  I feel bad and now she's sulking, but it's not like you can't 119 all the way home, it's a 24 hour bus.  Sort it out.  And besides she ditched us for penis and I don't appreciate it.  However perhaps if my current affair wasn't a dick and wasn't ignoring me every chance he got, I might have been in Joanna's position.  At the end of the day it all comes down to boys, we had to leave in the first place because Immie's ex Scott is still very much on her brain and she had to look after him.  I was quite happy to stay and dance drunkenly but I do it for her because it means alot to her and I wasn't about to risk seeing John with some floozy and her hands all over him.

Kipping at Immies later that night I had a dream John shouted at me saying I wasn't worth his time and that we had once hooked up before and I'd rejected him and how he hated how nagging I was and clingy etc....I woke up rather upset and now I feel ten times worse about the situation.

I know I'm being used.

I just also just got pins and needles.....crap crap crap crap!!

Went to Westerham on Friday, after my driving lesson, with Immie and Erin.  We ate a asmall pub, sat in a graveyard (cos we wanted a bit of peace and quiet....**deadpanned**) and I've been bitten to shit.  However being there makes me realise that even though I don't much like Bromley at least I'm not a train ride or a long bus journey from an H&M.

Pissed though cos I've left most of my stuff for printing at college and I still haven't printed the back bodice sooo, I don't think i'm gonna do that but for the next weekend Im so not leaving the house.  I also have my driving text next Friday, I did alright on the mock but we'll see.  Im nervous just thinking about it.

Last night watched Defiance and it's such a tragic movie, they never stopped being hunted and yet by the end of the war they had saved 1200 people and the two elder brothers and the youngest survived to a grande old age.  It truly is amazing what you can withstand as a person.

I've dropped my phone so many times today and it started with the awakening of me at six in the morning.
I then continued to sleep until 11, pressed the seams on my bodice, hemmed my skirt, then gave up when it went all wrong.
Fell back asleep again and then got up at five to shower and go to my weigh in.

I've lost two more pounds so since I started three weeks ago I've lost five pounds.

Downaloded Spotify and I have music up to my eyelids, I'm actually finding it hard to know what to listen to first, and I can predict soo many playlists happening.  I'm actually in music heaven right now.

After cramming my ass off to get my boards in for my crit I spent about an hour and a half being scolded with the rest of the group about everything and nothing in particular all at the same time.  I then got boyed out by my teacher for pointing out that I didn't know we had a good resource in our midsts and then when she asked everyone else they backed me up saying they didn't know.  Her solution?  Just blame us for not being clued up, don't by any chance say that perhaps she should have checked we knew what was availible to us.  Silly bitch.

Don't go to West Kent College unless you want to be surrounded by small minded, passively rude and incompetent tutors.  I'm not kidding.

After shuffling out of the classroom with my tail between my legs I climbed back in Lois' car, came home, downloaded spotify, listened to the Veronicas and took a nap.  Woke up to watch CSI and found a new love for the doc and Ray and then watched Chuck.  And I will say that Chuck can be my boyfriend any day of the week, I love him, I really do.  I want to be like Anna.

I actually do it sometimes.

Where nothing went really wrong (cept my diet....cookie, malteasers and a packet of quavers...shit man!) and now I'm listening to a bit of Rammstein, and that always makes me happy. =]

I have such conflicting emotions about them.  I want it, yet I don't at the same time because if its a mock test I'm gonna choke really fecking badly.  Don't even get me started on the anticipation nerves for the mock test with Stella the demon.  Jeesus, she made Knell cry and she's got steelier nerves than me.  Cripes.

On the other hand though I've got sewing to do when I get home and I really cbb, but nan went to the trouble of helping me last night so it's the least I can do for that legend of a woman.

Had a good night, with Knell boy and Imogen K, unfortunately JLo had a cry but then she does ALL the time about everything if she doesn't get her way.  It was a sight out on Immie K's front doorstep, I tell you.

But I'm getting used to the new crowd and Kenll and Immie told me they have missed me so it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.  But in ten minutes I have to go have a driving lesson and I have to take off down the road infront of my neighbours chav workers washing the car...SHIT!
On the other hand though, I am off to the pub to go celebrate the love rats birthday and watch him be all over other people, so I have to zen myself and tell myself that I don't care..because even though 80% of me doesn't, that annoying 20% won't join it...bloody typical.

It's raining.
Bad times.

These people need to fuck right off and give me my life back!

OMG
OMG
OMG
THANK YOU GOD!

I'm freaking out.

The more I think about it the more panicked I get.

I'm so fucking angry and depressed I could slash my wirsts open right now!
God damn!

It will never be about being pushed into a table by a stupid boy, having beer fall down onto you and putting your hand in smashed glass.  And has anyone ever noticed how it takes a moment for a glass to really smash.  You hear it hit the ground and then you hear it smash...yeah even amongst the noise the sound was so dense I could hear it.  At least said stupid boy helped me up but I hindered myself by placing my hand in glass, and that shit fucking hurts, cuts like a ninja and bleeds like a mother fucker.

I can't even begin to describe the gig, but it was a waste of time and energy.